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Day 1
Comments
(Clancy Kelly reporting)
 Well, here
we are, back in Osaka for the first time in twenty-four months. Last time Naniwa
hosted a hon-basho was the first time Hakuho wrestled as the lone Yokozuna,
Asashoryu having been squeezed out after taking the 2010 Hatsu basho. Fittingly,
we find sumo on the cusp of returning to the more natural order of dual
Yokozunas as Ozeki Baruto, the Estonian (not to be confused with Bostonian)
giant who needs a strong showing and (as far as Im concerned) an ass kicking of
Hakuho to gain promotion to the sports highest rank. Course, as Mixmaster
Mikenstein mentioned in his pre-basho report, who can say what in hell will
occur? Sumo is a mystery wrapped in an enigma and covered in peanuts and
chocolate. What looks tasty could also be a load of shit, or vice-versa, as Carl
Spackler could attest to. One thing IS for sure, though: Nothing will happen
without Hakuho playing a central role. (Wow, Clanc, really going out a limb
there, huh?)
Normally Id start the basho with some tale of licentious, ribald, mayhem (and
wouldnt you know it, I have a few to tell that have occurred since the New
Year). But seeing as how today is the one-year anniversary of Japans own
"eleven," namely "3-11," Im going to tone it down in the intro. Yes, most of you
who know me will be surprised that I exhibit any respect for the fate of others,
and that surprise I must admit is warranted. I typically do not get worked up
about people I dont know (Maggie Siff, who makes me stiff and whose quiff Id
like to sniff, being the lone exception), but the extent of this tragedy still
warps the otherwise placidly serene interior of my mind a year later.
Over 350,000 people homeless, and this is modern, industrial giant, long
wealthier-than-the-rest-of-Asia-combined Japan, you know, not Bangladesh, where
hearing that half a million are without clean water or decent food after a
cyclone makes you ask, How does that differ from their normal existence? I mean,
when you go from a steady diet of grasshoppers to rations of crickets, its not
like your falling from Olympian heights.
All kidding aside, one measure of suffering is the extent to which youve lost
what you had, and most of the people now living like refugees here have only
ever known the kind of plush, warm, safe, well-fed life that we Westerners know
and love and take for granted. So its gotta be brutal. Additionally, Japan is a
very private culture, and yet these people are living in futon cubicles crammed
into school gymnasiums and emergency evacuation centers. For a goddamned year!
Talk about having to look the other way. Top it off with a nuclear reactor that
is fubar and a crisis that has been handled by the government as if they are
following the orders of the NSK and its just not a great day for being jolly, ya
know?
But there was wrestling on the docket, and so I watched and took note, and will
now make those notes available to yall.
In the first bout Shotenro, resurrected from Juryo, took on the The Dummy,
Takanoyama. Now, this nickname has naught to do with the young mans
intelligence. Rather, its a reference to a convo Mike and I were having about
how watching his bouts reminds us of those comedy sketch programs where they
have someone attacked, say, by a dog, and at the last second edit out the real
person and replace him with a dummy, which the dog then proceeds to shake and
tear the living shit out of.
At any rate, thats about what Shotenro did to him today, ramming him back and
off the dohyo in less time than it takes to come up with a witty line about how
little time it took. At least we got to see Takanoyama standing with one leg on
the floor and the other on the dohyo, flexibility being a key to sumo success.
As is being larger than a 7th grader. But hey, when you dismiss from sumo half a
generation of wrestlers, its going to take a few years for that gap to fill with
legitimate Makuuchi level guys, so settle in for a couple of more years of the
lower half of Maegashira presenting us with guys who are simply not built for
it.
Tamawashi also made his return from a one basho descent to Juryo, successfully
ambushing Ho Chi Minh Yama, who was on the trail for his first Makuuchi win in
six months.
Big Boy Ikioi, who spent the past two basho running roughshod over Juryo, and
who hails from the Kitchen of the Nation, gave a good showing vs. Takarafuji,
but fell victim to a desperation throw at the edge.
Next Wakanosato had no answer for Kitataikis inside right that allowed the E13
to work the former Sekiwake mainstay out.
Flabby Daidough had Fujiazuma on the retreat, but as weve seen a billion times
in sumo, he made the mistake of lunging when his foe had room at the edge to
circle away, which is precisely what Fujiazuma did, and with no legs beneath
him, Daido came crashing down.
Asasekiryu smashed noggins with Tenkaiho, who got stood up and then released by
the Secretary to fall flat on his face. They called it a sukui-nage, but they
were being generous. Wonder if having to battle his stablemate Baruto so often
in prep for this tourney made him a little too forward leaning?
Aoiyama, after two false starts vs. Sadanofuji, managed to press in on his foe,
who was mauling the big white dudes tittys, and after one last shove at the
edge, let SaDanofuji come forward and receive a nicely executed sukui-nage, also
known as a "Five-O". Book em, Dano!
Miyabiyama kept Okinoumi at bay and for a spell, then started with the slap
downs on Okidokis head, and the final of several managed to send the E9 to his
first loss this basho after zero consecutive wins.
Chiyonokunis grandmother will be taking down that poster she has of Takekaze on
her kitchen wall after the asspounding he gave her boy. Leaping out of the way
like one of those people on a YouTube near miss death video, Takekaze reaffirmed
for us how pathetic he can truly be. Dude ought to be brought up on molestation
charges. Chiyonokuni, after extracting himself from the front row he had run
himself into, looked to be contemplating the beating his oyakata was going to
give him for falling for such trickery.
Takayasu showed some very nice skill and the strength of a goddamned bear by
flinging down 178kg Toyohibiki as the Hutt charged in. It wasnt a desperation
move, though, as the Naruto man seemed in control of his faculties the entire
bout. Impressive win. His senpai Kisenosato could have used some of Takayasus
mojo today.
Goeido benefited from a pesky Shohozan charging forward with too much chutzpah.
Like a mite, Goawaydo slapped him aside and let the Shoho go, yo, off the dohyo,
ya know? Goeido is also an Osaka nayteeboo, so perhaps he will make good on the
promise (he made to his pillow) to take the yusho this basho.
Homasho had a thoroughly Homasho-poi win vs. Wakakoyu, doing that sumo where it
looks like hes competing in the 200m butterfly, dipping down and then coming up
under his opponent again and again. Hes into the quarterfinal heats tomorrow vs.
Takayasu.
Aran tried to cover his henka mugging of Toyonoshima by leaving his left arm out
and across Tugboats chest, but it ended up clotheslining the Jan. Sekiwake, who
has plummeted to E4 and must feel like nothing is going right for him these
days. Aran well and truly earned the nickname Bouncer today for that cheap
chokehold. Tugboat tried in vain at the edge to turn the tide, but even Aran
couldnt screw up these ill gotten gains.
Right after this bout, the cameras panned into the audience and showed that
common site, six or seven furries out enjoying the sumos (in the cheapest seats
and lying about like they own the place). There was one sort of hot blonde, and
some guy in a NY Giants parka, and so I am reminded to mention that yes, my
G-Men did indeed capture the Universe Championship of American football by
demolishing the...some other team whose name history will forget. Eli Manning
was born to be a colossus bestride the Earth!
Okay, so when my daydream (not "wet dream" because that came true on Feb 5th in
Indianapolis!) ended I was staring at my Kak, who was about to gain moro-zashi
over his former countryman Kyokutenho and use that to smother, kind of like the
Lord Humongous calmed his berserk right hand man in Road Warrior, the Chauffer
to an SBD yori-kiri win. I still chuckle recalling young Martin boldly stepping
up to the plate in his inaugural ST report and declaring Kakuryu, whom I had
previously deemed a keeper, to be a nobody who would be soon out of sumo. Ah,
the halcyon days!
Kotoshogiku was on Yoshikaze like hot wax on fingernails, and it hurt for only
that long as Starbuck was shown the door lickety split. Third basho at Ozeki,
has Geeku relaxed enough to give us provide us with some shambalaya?
I cant, even on my most creative days, conjure up a joi bout that Id be less
interested in than Kotooshu vs. Tokitenku. Kotooshu is a write off Ozeki at this
point, somnambulant, and Tokitenku has recently purchased a house on Kyokushuzan
Drive. Napster vs. Trickster. Course that doesnt mean the Bulgarian cant simply
destroy people, cause he can and did today. By the way he charged at and over
Tokitenku, it looked like he was trying to get to some frozen yoghurt stand he
spotted behind the E2. Seriously, he just ran up and swarmed him. Tokitenku
could only wail and start flailing his legs in hope that they might catch the
maulers leg, but they didnt, and Tokidoki ended up looking like a fucking
Rockette, high kicking it for the fans. In the end Kotooshu was obliged to crush
him out and sort of landing on top of him. Hilarious bout, when all was said and
done.
Kisenosato looked downright afraid to take on Tochinowaka, and its no wonder,
cause when its all said and done, Tochinowaka will be recalled as the better
rikishi. The sophomore Ozeki tried to use a hand to the throat to stop the
oncoming W1, no doubt hoping for a slap/pull down, but the youngster kept his
wits about him and legs under him, moving forward and forcing The Kid back to
the ropes. One final mighty shove with his forearm and the Ozeki was flung back
to as final and humiliating a crash landing as youll see in sumo at this level.
Kisenosato, beaten like a red-headed stepchild.
Harumafuji seemed to know that Myogiryu was going to go balls out, and so he let
his foe come in, hugged him tightly, and then slung him around and down. A very
nice move by the Ozeki, but to be honest, Im kind of sick and tired of
backpedaling, countermove sumo from the top guys. We dont pay to see this kind
of shit. Maybe Kotooshu doesnt look like such a pussy after all.
So, finally we had the two bouts that matter, the two men in whose hands the
drama and destiny of the Osaka 2012 basho lay (well, Mike is the third guy in
this troika, but as he is not technically IN sumo, Ill omit him). Baruto was
taking on the ever dangerous (if youre a sandwich slathered in barbecue sauce,
that is) Gagamaru. In yet another Day One bout where the backward moving rikishi
pulls off a swing down, Biomass let Butterball drive him back, only to spank him
on the bottom with a perfect (if slow motion) uwate-nage overarm throw. Gagamaru
had this bout, or at least had a good chance, but he could not keep the Ozeki
centered in front of him.
 Finally,
Hakuho has to take care of pesky Tochiohzan, skyrocketed all the way up from M8
to Komusubi!! Wow. He certainly justified his promotion by bringing all he had
vs. the Yokozuna. In fact, he managed to get Hakuho to retreat, but here is
where one needs to consult the dictionary under "tactical retreat," because as
Mike pointed out in a Skype convo, Hakuho often will feel out the other guy in
the first few nanoseconds, see if hes open to a hataki-komi slapdown (the
Yokozuna being a smart guy and not wanting to expend more energy than is
necessary). When he senses that Tochiohzan was bringing his A-game, Kublai
smoothly moved back and waited for the inevitable opening. Yes, once again this
is not the sumo Im in love with, but itll do for Hakuho as he used what is
normally a desperation move to thrust Oh Snap to the clay.
Some might have noticed that Tochiohzan had the Hakuhos belt in this left hand
for the taking but did not, and imagine this to mean the fix was in, and that
Hakuho was the beneficiary. Au contraire, mein freund. Tochiohzan was simply
trying to keep his arms in, his left elbow pinned to his side so that the
Yokozuna could not get his own inside right.
At any rate, Mike will be up tomorrow to check the pulse, and Day 6 will bring
us a spanking new contributor name of Matt. Looking forward to that, as well as
our usual Day 7 from the Mighty Matra himself. Yeah, Mike, Martin, Matthew, and
Me. What a team. Makes me sad Mario left to plumb the secrets of existence. See
ya on Day 8.
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