Soccer

With the World Cup coming up, attention is being turned toward soccer, esp. here in Nippon. I have recently been able to watch the 1970 and 1994 finals, both between Brazil and Italy. The 1970 final was a slaughter, with Pele in his fourth and final WC and Brazil annihilating the Italians 4-1. The 1994 match, like the 2006 final, was decided by a shootout, but Ill get to that.

Anyway, I was a striker back in the day, and it is a fun sport to play, no question, but all this futbol mania has made me examine the claims of many that it is an overrated, boring, grind of a game that in no way deserves its title as Worlds Most Popular Sport. Lets do a positives/negatives comparison to see if we can come to some sort of conclusion, shall we?

Whats good about soccer?

1. There is no use in avoiding the obvious fact that soccer players at the highest levels are insanely fit.

Most of these guys could very likely run a marathon at the drop of a hat, and finish in a respectable time. Thats the main reason why so many hot international female stars date them, because the hotties are always having to run from fans and paparazzi and they need boyfriends who can keep up with them.

2. Soccer players can do things with their feet that are kind of unbelievable. 

But so could Gene Kelly, and you dont see him being worshipped and emulated every four years by every slumdog that can find a TV in the local tea house.

3. Soccer players get to rest by walking and/or comfortably jogging during the match. 

Not a bad deal!

Well, thats about all that is good in soccer. Now lets look at the negatives.

What sucks/is laughable/is embarrassing about soccer?

1. It was invented (if we can call it that) by mobs. 

Though soccer aficionados like to claim that any culture that ever touched something round was playing a version of "soccer," in reality the game that has come down to us was a bloody, vile means for medieval Englishmen to try and prove who had the bigger penis. Truth is they ALL had tiny willies, which is one main reason they sailed around the world looking to conquer other races. As a comparison, basketball was invented by a fucking DOCTOR!!

2. There are no timeouts. 

We might at first think this should belong in the "PROS" column as it sounds rather tough and macho, until we learn that though they dont stop the clock, they fucking ADD time on at the end!! They think no one sees through their ruse? "Timeouts? Bah, thats for pussies like cricketers. We REAL men dont stop the bloody clock, innit." What hypocrisy. 

3. Its always fucking noisy!

Having to hear, and occasionally see in tv close-ups, crowds of screaming, bare-chested fans is beyond annoying (unless said fans are Brazilian women, then its cho cool). Do these people really have to chant their fight songs for ninety goddamned minutes? Where Im from, crowds get noisy mainly when the possibility exists that THERE MIGHT BE A SCORE.

4. There is little to no scoring.

This is a common complaint, and one laughingly dismissed by true soccer fans, who pshaw at "ignorant Americans" who, as is the case with sex, need constant scoring to feel "fulfilled." But the plain fact of the matter is that a soccer match is decided on...GOALS! I submit that since the match cannot end nil-nil, it is hardly ludicrous to insist that a lack of scoring makes the game less than exhilarating. Plus look at how the peeps celebrate when they score one single goal. Act like the fucking Queen herself is getting it up the ass from Saint George AND his dragon.

5. Shootouts

While I admit that the shootout has its own unique tension, imagine an NBA game decided by a free throw contest, or a baseball game decided by a home run contest, and youll start to form some idea of how fucking stupid the soccer shootout is. After playing ninety minutes plus an extra period of actual soccer, they suddenly come up with what is essentially a completely different sport in order to end the thing. They put the ball right in front of the enormous goal, ridiculously close, and let their best players run up and kick the living shit out of it UNCHECKED. The poor keeper can do only one thing--guess where the ball might go and leap like a fool in that direction. Nine times out of ten hes wrong and looks like an idiot for jumping where the ball aint and crashing to the ground like a rodeo clown. But we should have compassion for this guy, who is forced by the powers that be to become a gambler, a simple mark getting lucky once in a blue moon pathetically trying to predict where the chips will fall.

6. They only use their legs.

Last time I checked, the human race had feet AND hands, and uses both in just about every sport played on the planet. Deciding that yours is going to set itself apart from "the rabble" by not allowing hands smacks of conceit and pretense. And to be bluntly frank, it kind of makes me sick to watch grown, able-bodied individuals ACT LIKE theyre disabled. Zidane probably parked in the handicapped spots. Some of you may be saying, Hey, hey, hold on, Kelly, what about the Special Olympics? Glad you brought that up, because it buttresses my point here one hundred percent. I fully and unequivocally support the idea of anyone, anywhere playing any sport they choose and having a grand old time doing it, but that doesnt mean I want to play it with them or watch them play it. 

There are other, minor troubles with soccer, but these are pretty much the main culprits. Looks like the naysayers are right, that though a passably amusing sport, soccer hardly merits its designation as Worlds Most Popular.

Well then, you may wonder, WHY is it so? Lets examine the reasons, shall we?

1. British Colonialization

The British shoved their culture down the throats of every land they invaded and pwned. It is hardly surprising that savages the world over, awed by the godlike superiority of these Redcoats, would seek to "Be Like Mike" as it were by playing their sports (see cricket in India, rugby in New Zealand). I mean, here they are in their loincloths drinking puddle water and suddenly, Wow, a ball. Heehee, let me try. Woohoo. Can we drink tea five times a day, too?

2. Only need a ball

Though the game involves some other skills, such as acting like one is injured and headbutting chests, any kid can become proficient at the basic skill of handling the ball by getting...a ball. Nothing else is needed (which is your first clue that something is amiss, cause nothing should be THAT easy).

3. Loved by school gym teachers

Strictly speaking, twenty-two kids can play at once, but of course the rules on the number of players can be stretched so that an overworked gym teacher, in bad need of a cig and a wank, can throw the ball out on a field of forty-five eight year-olds and holler, "Go get er, kids!" and head off to the toilet while they roam the pitch like two huge, blind organisms with constantly detaching flagella. This makes the game very popular in schools, where there are rumored to be lots of young, impressionable minds.

4. Indoctrination is easy

Look at how many people follow one of the five or so major religions in the world, and youll see that something neednt be "cool" or "interesting" or even "true" to be wildly popular. Like religion, which is especially (but not solely) popular among the poor and undereducated, soccer is feverishly followed by the downtrodden, who hope that by watching their favorite South American or European stud muffin tear off his shirt they can forget the roaches in the rice. Since most of the world is downtrodden, voila, you’ve got a perogie!

I hope this little excursion into the whys and wherefores of soccer, or futbol, has been both enlightening and educational. I predict that Spain will finally break through and win the Cup. Ill see you in July for sumo. Vaya con dios, mi amigos.

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